Yes, it's me, Cousin Kate.

I just found this recording I made of my dad talking about dying--about ten years before he actually died. He's been gone about 6 years now, and it was a shock to find it. My dad didn't bathe for about 10 years straight and had the odd hobby of saving his pee in jars. He never went to school--he used to say the teacher threw a book at his head on his first day and he never went back. My grandma said that he lived too far from the school to walk by himself and by the time his sisters came along he was too far behind to catch up. His sisters said he was oxygen deprived in childbirth and never could learn. I'll let you decide!

Hello? Why, it's Katie. How ya doin' way out there in
Mexico (I live in New Mexico, Dad!)? Me, well, I'm gettin' up there, just like me dog. Yeah.
Hadda let im in last coupla nights. It's been cold. Yeah. He's
got a heavy coat, but the feet get cold. Then when it warms up,
he's spoiled, and barks to come in. No, I can't blame him for
wantin' in.

I keep busy puttin' wood on. Frostbit my feet the other
day. Hurts like Dickens when the weather's cold. That doctor
there in Rogers, he says my bottom teeth are what's botherin' me.
I think it's that gallbladder like I had before.

Listen, I wanted to tell ya. Jim's gone. He died last
week. His mind was gone a long time before that. No, I
wouldn't wanna either, but we have no say about it. We live
'till we die, I guess.

I ain't heard nothin' about your mother in a long time.
Years. She must be in her late sixties by now. She was younger
than me by about fifteen years. Yeah, well no matter how old you
are, you can still make mistakes.

Yeah, leaving that man that was the best thing
you ever done.

I know, you were young, eighteen years old, and you wanted a
man, and he came along. Trouble is, he wasn't a man. (Dad's right about that! He was actually a lesbian trapped in a man's body--or so he said. My ex can now be found wearing frilly aprons and cohabiting with an ex-priest with a really nice TV and sound system.) You
couldn't listen to a thing anybody told you, either. Nobody
could tell you any different. Bullheaded, just like your mother.
Huh? Like me too. Yeah, I guess. I made the same mistake.

Like if you call and I don't answer, especially at night,
why just call back or whatever. I go let the dog out or I put some
wood on down in the basement, and I don't always hear the phone
ring. Okay. Love you too.

What's that? Oh, nite nite. Don't you let those bugs bite
either. I some days don't feel too good, up an' down more or
less. Waitin' out my time. But you know I'll be thinkin' of you
no matter where I am, here or there (He means earth or heaven here. It used to drive me crazy, he'd say that every time I went anywhere--even down to the swimming hole--"If I don't see you here I'll see you in heaven, honey.).

I'm thinking of you too, Daddy!

Love,

Kate