The hot, margarita-soaked days of summer have come to an end. No more lounging on the deck, half-naked, reading trashy magazines. No more ignoring the four year-old as he lugs water from the kitchen to his sandbox, leaving vast puddles in his wake. No more calling the husband during his ninety-minute commute to inform him that if he wants dinner, he'll need to stop and pick some up.
No more making the cousins do all the blog work.
So with the coming of autumn, I have vowed to be a better woman. A more productive woman. It's been a struggle, and though I haven't actually produced much, I have figured out how to not write a blog entry:
1. Wave goodbye to the four-year old as the big yellow bus carries him off to preschool. You've got just over three hours to write something brilliant.
2. Wave to your next-door neighbor as she gets into her minivan. Notice how skinny she is, despite having given birth to three children. Speculate that she is probably one of the those size 0 women you've heard about. Look down at yourself and see that lounging on the deck has done nothing positive for the size of your ass. A little walk is definitely in order. At eight o'clock in the morning, it's already hot and muggy. It will only get worse. Now is obviously the best time to do something about that ass.
3. Go back into your house long enough to put on walking shoes. Start off briskly, arms pumping. Begin to slow down a bit when you feel that first cramp. Pause to chat with a neighbor you haven't seen all summer. Say hello to your favorite tree. Stop by the river and lament over how low it is. Allow fifty minutes to pass in this manner.
4. Return home. You haven't walked in weeks and your body is stiff. In fact, it's crying out for some relaxing yoga. You could do a short session, but you feel that you deserve a longer one. Pop in the DVD and choose the full-body, forty-five minute routine.
5. It's now nine thirty-five. That banana you ate almost three hours ago just isn't going to cut it. Go into the kitchen and dish out some yogurt and add a big handful of granola. Normally, you'd bolt the yogurt and go about your business, but today is special. Take the food downstairs and out on the patio. Sit down and slowly eat, savoring the individual flavors, the tart dried cherry, the sweet honey. Look at your bowl. Really see how the cinnamon becomes tiny little brown specks in the pure white of the yogurt. Marvel at the beauty of a sunflower seed.
6. Finish eating and visually scan the backyard. For the first time all summer, notice your hostas. They must have bloomed at some point, because there are dead flowers sticking out of their middles. The leaves are yellow and wilted. The rest of the garden is just as bad. The summer-long drought that allowed you to spend most of your days outside has practically ruined the yard. You haven't given a rat's ass about this state of affairs all season, but now you decide to care. Unroll the hose, turn on the faucet and start hand-watering the plants. Halfway through, remember that it's supposed to rain later this afternoon and for the next three days. Brush aside the thought; weather predictions never come true. Spend another twenty minutes thoroughly drenching the plants.
7. Put away the hose and go inside. Turn on your computer. Look down and notice there's a huge streak of dirt on your leg. The school bus will be returning in forty-five minutes. You obviously can't allow the driver to see you like this. Go upstairs and take a leisurely shower.
8. Freshly cleansed, you now have twenty minutes until your child arrives. Go back downstairs and sit in front of the computer. Open a new document. Stare at the blank screen for ten minutes. Come up with a few ideas and immediately dismiss them as the trite and half-witted notions that they are. What would the cousins think?
9. Decide that this is obviously the wrong time to start blogging. Become certain that next week will be the week that the ideas and words will flow. Close the blank document.
10. Spend the remaining ten minutes of your free time reading other peoples' blogs.
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